This week I learned that I don’t do very well with sedation. Not having control while sitting in a dentist chair is not my cup of tea. Is it anyone’s really? But I really don’t do well with that.
I like control. No, I love it. I love to control everything. I mentioned this in an earlier blog post, but it’s an ongoing thing. I feel so at peace when everything is under control and working according to my plan. My homework is done when I want it to be, my chores are done, my blog post is written, my family plans are going the way I want, my grades are exactly where I want them, the instructions are checked and double checked before being followed word for word. It’s such a shame everyone else has control over their lives and doesn’t live by my rules, don’t you think? I’m so good at controlling everything. It all works, everyone is nice, organized, happy, on time. If they’d just let me control them. It’s for their own good! I know how to fix it! Just listen to me!
I’m so silly and stupidly stubborn sometimes. Ok, most of the time. But really, this is how I am. This is Linds, who so desperately needs a patient Savior. I love to control my life and preferably everyone else’s, until the moment that it all falls apart and nothing works out. That’s when I realize how silly I am to think I can play “house” with God’s job.
I trick myself into thinking I’m at peace, that everything is fine. Whether I’m in control or fully know that I’m not, I can make myself believe I’m fine. But the roots of my controlling nature run deep. Anxiety is a true enemy here.
My anxiety doesn’t always show. People who know me best see it, people who don’t may just think I’m bossy. Either way, I love being in control. This week I realized once again that anxiety stems from a lack of faith, and that is my greatest offense. I do not trust God to take care of everything, including me. And I do not trust myself to let Him.
BUT GOD, despite my failing trust, reminds me constantly that what He does He does in love. Too many Christians I know don’t understand this- myself included. I have to be reminded constantly. But the only explanation for anything is that there is a God who loves us. Once that is understood, the rest makes sense. Only a God who is motivated by and chooses love would dare to sacrifice Himself for us, people who only reject Him over and over. This is grace. He died for us.
In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.
1 John 4:9
Once we believe this, knowing that our sin condemns and our “goodness” is not enough to save us, then we become His children, with a full access to His work and grace in our lives. He extends grace, we accept. And He continues to extend grace.
I teach a middle school Bible study, and some of them will groan about reading or memorizing things that they already know. But the truth is that it all comes back around to Christ. In all my struggles and failures, all it takes is remembering who He is, and then who I am.
If you are wrestling with anxiety today, and trying to control your life to no avail, I sympathize with you. It’s a battle. Please take comfort in this- God is giving you grace. Take it. Even when you screw it all up. He isn’t going to mess up your life. You don’t have to try to make it all perfect. That’s the reason He came and saved us. We can’t do it, ever. If you are a Christian, turn to Him and lean on Him for the grace you need. If you aren’t, turn to Him and lean on Him for life. So sit back in the dentist chair and let him take over. He does what He does to help you and heal you, not to hurt you.